the TRASH BASH: the EXPENDABELLES

I love a good action movie. I love a no-holds barred, every trick in the book 100 percent predictable Action movie more.

Having said that I bypassed The Expendables the first time round –  for which I actually have no reasons for. I am ready to give it a chance especially when 2012 sees the return of the band of muscle men along with my favourite muscle man of all – Arnold Schwarzenegger –  in The EXPENDABLES 2.

I am all for some Stallone and a little Lundgren (even if seeing them together brings up really upsetting memories of Rocky IV) but Arnie is my muscle of choice, why?: I grew up in the 90’s, he was all over the shop and looking back I enjoyed more than handful of films he took part in. Also Chuck Norris is in it. I don’t know what that means but he’s one odd-looking guy and he intrigues me.

Anyway – that is NOT what I wanted to talk about. Up until this point you’re probably wondering why on earth I spelt The Expendables wrong. I didn’t.

I am so excited by the prospect of their being an all female action movie to rival the testosterone fuelled gun fest.

A perfect opportunity for me to indulge in a dream team top 10.

Sigourney Weaver – The Matriarch; the last woman standing of them all. I can see her holding down the fort just as much as I can see her being a force to reckon with.  Alien, Ghostbusters (2 particularly), Avatar…Gorillas in the Mist. Just the right level of wise meets bad mama jama, everything you’d want in a leader of  a band of crazy gun-toting ladies.

Linda Hamilton – sheesh have you seen her guns? I mean her arms a toned, I bet she could pack a punch better than Lundgren. I also think she’s a shoe-in for any Expendable female cast going. I don’t know about you but Terminator 1 & 2 killed me. Seeing this poor woman do everything she could to get away from those androids was seriously scary shit, and with a son? what!. A legend of the highest order and inspiration for all single mothers out there. Okay I tried to go deep – it came out conceited.

Pam Grier – It’s PAM FRIGGING GRIER.

Franka potente –  Run Lola Run more than cemented her capabilities of being an all out action femme fatale. However her presence in The Bourne Identity was a much need balance of action and sensibility to Matt Damon’s amnesic hit-man. That said she also has a pretty sweet German accent (oxymoron? no.) and seeing her clad in full on action woman gear in a recent episode of US drama comedy PSYCH, whilst ducking, diving and shooting was one of the series most thrilling episodes to date.

Zoe Bell – What. Stunt woman extrodinare turned full time actress. Before she played Uma’s much documented stunt double in KILL BILL she was Lucy Lawless’ danger inclined doppleganger in Xena: Warrior Princess. She, more than any of these fine women, has made an actual living being a real action woman. If we need one woman to make this movie a smash, she has to be in it one way or another. Have you seen her in Death Proof, knocking out Kurt Russell? Go. Go see her in Death Proof.

Michelle Rodriguez –  Another no brainer. I mean, does she even do anything other than play a cop or a woman on the wrong side of the law? She looks like she can handle herself and whoever gets in her way too. Plus she’s fit. Toned from head to toe she looks like she doesn’t even have to try, her face screams ‘don’t fucking mess with me’. I always get the feeling she rolls better with guys than girls, so she could be the no-nonsense bitch who rubs them all up the wrong way but more than proves her worth by talking the talk and actually following through.

Gina CaranoHaywire is her movie. She more or less owned every single man in it becoming perhaps an expendabelle prototype there and then. I am so excited to see her do more, I’d love to see her work with Rodriguez or Tarantino. I’d love to see her share a scene with Zoe Bell. I believe they would be great friends or enemies. Either way they’d beat the hell out of everyone.

Michelle Yeoh – I miss Michelle Yeoh. Back in the 90s some of the most profitable films included those in which she was  a force to be reckoned with. The less than flighty one time (not that there is any other kind) Bond girl is one of the most graceful, patient and experienced fighters – and that makes her kind of deadly. An advocate of performing all her own stunts Yeoh would be a dream addition to this Expendables inspired female cast.

Carrie Ann-Moss – Ok. I’m just going to be honest and say The Matrix. 

Angela Bassett – I know many may not agree but Angela Bassett is so much more than toned arms and being able to cry on cue. She is also a fierce, serious actress. Is she an action actress? I think she could more or less be perfect in the role. I have yet to watch her role as Mace opposite Ralph Fiennes in Strange Days but judging by the trailer and productions stills – she’s always been a bad ass.

Milla Jovovich – Oh come on  – the only reason she shouldn’t be included is because she’s too fresh with all those Resident Evil movies she keeps churning out – but then again that makes her the female Jason ‘Transporter’ Statham of our cast.

Eliza Dushku – It’s definitely her thing this action malark. I’d go as far as to say she’s the queen of it on the small screen. I think it’s time for her to try her hand at film again. She’s also kind of funny so that helps.

The villainous bitch. It has to be someone able to take up the mantle. Someone who could match Weaver (Curtis) or Yeoh (Thurman) and be the right amount of  crazy come hollywood sexy (Nielsen) All these women have embraced some of the most iconic roles in the history of cinema. Fighting for justice, fighting for their lives, crushing men and women alike. They’re all so beautiful and for some reason neither sit right with me as being part of a collective so I have made them the Jean Claude Van Damme of the Expendabelles – the bad guy. Either would work.

Jamie Lee Curtis

Uma Thurman

Bridget Nielsen

I did think about Diaz, Theron, Saldana and of course Jolie but I figured they’re all too big right now and are so not known (with the exception of Jolie) for their action roles. Going by the Expendables, I’m thinking that there needs to be a balance of decent action sequences and satisfactory Hollywood faces. Only a few of the women listed have reached the peak of major Hollywood stardom but all of them kick ass. So they are my Expendabelles.

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